Gamers In the Myst

We've all seen these types at the roleplaying games table. Much like Jane Goodall, I've spent years observing gamers in their natural habitat (the game table), subsisting on their unique diet (nachos, pizza, Pringles) and taking notes on their odd rituals (calling the pizza dude, quoting Star Wars). As such, I have catalogued many recurring gamer types that seem to appear at any game table, for any roleplaying system. Here they are, in no particular order...

Olivier: The player who just has to pause for a brief aside about how villiany will not triumph this day, as the stout heart of a prodigious paladin is the very bane of the forces of villiany... blah blah blah. A Tolkien-length spiel usually precedes anything from attacking an evil warlock to picking up a mug of ale.
Quote: "Fie! By Orthic's BEARD! My brave companions, I believe that vile kobold hath melted into that dark alley. Swords ready, heroes, for we are about to bring the fiend to justice!"

The Tactician: The reincarnation of Patton, every battle, no matter how trivial, is his chance to wow you with his firm grasp of Napoleonic Battle tactics. Likes to draw diagrams with lots of arrows. Extreme cases will even cite famous battles and demand the use of minis.
Quote: "Ok, let's attack the orcs with a two-part pincer movement, by hitting them with a left flank countermarch and a classic inverted Prussian Assault on the right!"

The Rules Lawyer: Must prove his superior grasp of the rules by challenging the DM over every obscure rule. You may easily spot this player by his usual display of holding open a sourcebook and tapping the pertinent table with his finger in a reproving manner. To him, its the thrill of the debate, never mind the fact he draws the game out exponentially and just makes the DM mad at everyone in general.
Quote: "Nooo... that's NOT what the Handbook says. The proper modulation for a phase shift Romulan Rifle is 3.**5** every round, not 3.2. So he COULDN'T have gotten off that third shot in a vacuum..."

The Conscript: Usually the little brother of a regular, who joins the game simply for the want of something to do. Usually has zero knowledge of the game system, but is used as the front line cannon fodder by the other players. Often doubles as an instant guinea pig should strange potions be discovered.
Quote: "Erm. Ok. I attack it?"

Captain ADD: The player who frantically lobbies for 20 actions each round of combat, constantly changing and contradicting said action by the nanosecond. Cannot seem to grasp that *everyone* does in fact get a turn before he can act again. Also can be identified by his trademark disregard for the fact his character must be actually present at the location to act on the situation.
Quote: "OOH! I ATTACK THE SHAMAN! NO WAIT I PULL OUT MY SWORD! THEN I SWING ON THE ROPE ACROSS THE ROOM! THEN I CAST FIREBALL ON THE SHAMAN!" / "DO I SEE THIS HAPPENING? I ATTACK!"

Wallflower: The player who sits in the corner quietly and only acts when prodded by the DM to actually do something. Usually spends his time constantly leafing through his character sheets. God help you if you have a Captain ADD (qv) in a room of Wallflowers.
Quote: "..."

John Wayne Player: Has his preferred characterization to roleplay, and gosh darn it, he's gonna play it. It doesn't matter if he's a halfling druid, a Starfleet Ensign or a half-orc berserker. He always plays the saaame character -- mannerisms, skills, solutions, jokes, catchphrases, etc. In other words, like The Duke's acting philosophy -- different name, same character.
Quote: ("playing" a CE Drow Warlock) "Yo ho, mateys! Eight bells, time for us to be shippin' out for adventure, by thunder! Cutlasses ready, we be bringin' in the plunder tonight!"

Dice Slinger: Player who feels it necessary to attempt to break the sound barrier by throwing the dice across the table at Mach 2. Oddly enough, he will demand a "do-over" should his warp-speed polyhedrons be somehow tainted by bumping into a foreign object (book, soda can, another player) -- but only when the resulting interference has caused an abysmal result.
Quote: "Anyone see my d20? It might be under the table."

Tablespace Tyrant: A player whom, with his books, dice trays, sheets and other mountains of game paraphernalia, carves out a table top empire that is his and his alone. Will begin by staking a perimeter with his (excessive) stacks of books, and then will insiduously start to annex space with sheets, cola cans, and dice towers.
Quote: "Mind if I put this here? (Not waiting for a response) Thanks."

Sourcebook Bogart: Cretin who is idly flipping through the sourcebook and checking out the pictures, when other players need that book for game reference purposes.
Quote: "Hey check it out, there's a picture of Inara in here."

Jimmy Fallon Player: Constantly, nervously giggles and looks around to the other players whenever his character speaks.
Quote: "Heheh, yeah. We...heh, we're looking for that ...hehe... Acererak dude... heh."

Tangentmaster: Pulls the focus away from the game to start a long rambler nobody is particularly interested in. It is important that the Tangentmaster not get an "assist" by someone else at the table commenting on his story, or his spiel length will exponentially grow.
Quote: "Ha... that skeletal warrior dude looks like Skeletor or something. You know, you gotta wonder why Skeletor was always after He-Man and stuff, maybe because He-Man had Battle Kat and he had Panthor. What a lame ass name. Reminds me of that Robot Chicken where they made fun of the Go-Bots and they had Cop-Tur/Gyro Robbo. You know I don't understand what's the difference between Go Bots and Transformers, but..." etc etc etc

Chowhound: Forget the story. Forget the adventure. Forget the game. When the hell is the pizza gonna get there?
Quote: "Its been a while. You think the guy got lost?"

Fidgeter: Can't sit still, must occupy himself while listening. There are four subdivisions of this group:

• Fidgeter A -- The Architect: Builds large and complex pyramids out of the dice.
• Fidgeter B -- The Helicopter: Spins a pencil around in his hand non-stop.
• Fidgeter C -- The Paper Arranger: Re-arranges the papers in front of him is different configurations.
• Fidgeter D -- The Inspector General: Carefully examines dice, pencils, erasers, or whatever is handy.

More research later. Perhaps one day I will discover why these chuckleheads shell out so much money for a new version of Dungeons and Dragons every 3 years.... but only time shall tell.

Dr. Brannon signing off.

Back to the BLOG!!!